NIH Announces Bombshell Batch Breakthrough


Monday, April 1, 2024

WASHINGTON, D.C. A team of scientists working on a high-level human genome project at the National Institutes for Health have announced a major scientific discovery in the field of human development.

While studying the effects of various top-secret formulations intended to boost immunity and promote robust muscle growth in humans, one researcher introduced a small dosage of aquavit to a formulation. Upon agitation and titration, the liquid evidently became highly energized and began exhibiting signs of "supercharging" the human cells with amazing speed and strength.

Stories vary, but a few members of the lab described the addition of the aquavit as "brilliant" and "groundbreaking." A few others described the apparent breakthrough as "a mistake."

 When questioned more thoroughly, the researcher whose sample contained the added element recounted the moments leading up to discovery: "I basically knocked my glass over and spilled some Batch 22 into the formulation," the researcher explained. "Before I could clean it up, I noticed the isolated cells in my beaker were going crazy." When questioned about why the researcher had a bottle of Batch 22 in the laboratory and on the counter, she replied, "Everyone on the team drinks Batch. We can't explain it, but it helps us with our work."

The implications of this breakthrough are thus far inconclusive, but initial findings indicate that Batch 22 could be highly effective in preventing a wide variety of human ailments, including smallpox, yellow fever, polio, malaria, food poisoning, hair loss, blindness, deafness, impetigo, shingles, and life-threatening flatulence. Other preliminary studies also indicate that Batch 22 could be a powerful accelerant of muscle growth and bone regeneration and may play a major role in the government's plan to create a population of "super humans" that would one day defend America against its enemies.

"We are going to dedicate major resources to the NIH's newly minted National  Aquavit Program (NAP)," Dr. Monica M. Bertagnolli, Director, stated at a recent press conference. "We don't know exactly all the ways in which we can utilize the amazing properties of aquavit, but it is clear that we stand on the precipice of a new frontier where science and spirits can work together to create a more perfect world."